Do please make sure that you have consumed your breakfast before reading this Twitter, as its contents may upset the delicate…
There is a sewage pumping station in our village and, from time to time, council workers in spaceman suits and helmets, thick rubber gloves and masks appear to de-clog it, wash it, change filters or do whatever one does to a sewage pump. Without going into too much detail, the stench is horrendous and if anyone happens to want to drop their rubbish bag into the adjacent skip, the task is best completed by holding one’s breath, placing a handkerchief over the nose and mouth and completing the job as quickly as possible.
It was one of those beautiful sunny mornings when I happened to arrive at the rubbish skip at the same time as the sewage workers. After I had dropped my bag of rubbish into the skip and dashed away in an attempt to reach unpolluted air, to my horror I noticed that one of the workers had not only a jet wash pipe in one hand, but a crusty, large sandwich in the other ungloved hand.
He was clearly enjoying his mid-morning breakfast, and I guess the man should be applauded for his dedication to duty. However, my stomach did a double somersault before I headed for home and a gargle of whisky, which I am convinced kills all known germs and is far better than antibiotics.
I tried to convince myself that probably a few germs are actually quite good for all of us in this sanitised world, before my mind moved on to another associated issue. Did you realise that the authorities are now testing sewage for illicit drugs?
You see, although it is quite easy to outwit the system when being questioned or completing a survey for the authorities, toilet contents simply don’t lie. Indeed, to their credit, urine and poo are blisteringly truthful. It is the new science of sewer epidemiology, which is currently used in many European cities to test for the usage of illicit drugs. Indeed, at the whisk of a test tube, it is now possible to test a city, part of a city or single street to reveal which naughty people have been snorting coke, using weed or worse.
Sewers simply reek with honesty. After all, in most developed countries, every household has a toilet, which is connected to the central sewage system, and everyone goes to the toilet from time-to-time. Forget surveys and questionnaires, the exact quantities of drug consumption are clearly available for all to see by using this method.
These tests simply go into overdrive when testing for cannabis, cocaine and ecstasy. Interestingly, but not surprisingly, the statistics skyrocket during the Christmas and the New Year festivities, yet it is worrying that people also appear to take similar amounts of cannabis during workdays as holidays. Just bear that one in mind when you next see your dentist. That shaky hand holding the threatening drill head, which you had previously dismissed as stress or simply getting old, may indicate that he is stoned. The toilet test will reveal all such secrets.
In the US, this exciting new development is now widely used to give police better intelligence, as well as helping hospitals to anticipate demand for their drug rehabilitation services. The system is also being used to help to identify illicit new drugs, helping police with law enforcement priorities, as well as allowing hospitals and public health authorities to warn users about the risks of taking drugs. Bad drugs can also be identified, allowing public warning notices to be issued.
Despite the wonders of this new technology, I do feel some unease. Is nothing sacred and private anymore? We already have snoopers listening into our mobile phone calls, accessing our emails and text messages, and now they are examining the contents of our toilets. I strongly suspect that there is far more that the authorities are not telling us and I am convinced that Big Brother already knows that Barrie Mahoney polished off half a bottle of Rioja with his evening meal, and finished it off with a large brandy. After all, sewage doesn’t lie.
If you enjoyed this article, take a look at Barrie’s websites: www.barriemahoney.com and www.thecanaryislander.com or read his latest book, ‘Twitters from the Atlantic’ (ISBN: 978 1480033986). Available as paperback, Kindle and iBooks. iPhone/iPad Apps: ExpatInfo and CanaryIsle now available from the Apple Store.
Filed under: http://www.theleader.info/article/39505/
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